我应该不用提醒各位 这次会议从未举行过 I don't have to remind you gentlemen that this meeting never took place.
当然不用 布罗森镇长 Of course not, Mayor Blossom.
艾赛尔马格斯过去修女那边后 她话多吗 Has Ethel Muggs been talking much since she's been with the Sisters?
一声不吭 Not a peep.
伍德豪斯修女颁布了禁言令 Sister Woodhouse has imposed a vow of silence.
-很好 家长教师联谊会呢 -家长们还在生气 -Very good. What about the PTA? -Parents are still upset.
每次开会 他们都在讨论"谁杀了马格斯先生和太太" It's all they talk about at our meetings. "Who killed Mr. and Mrs. Muggs?"
人们如果总是关注这起谋杀案 As long as people remain focused on this murder case,
我们对局势的把握就会越发不稳定 the more precarious our grasp of the situation becomes.
-警长办公室在做什么 -汤姆在找"送奶工" -What's the sheriff's office doing? -Tom is trying to find this "milkman."
-还有凶器 -他为什么要这么做 -And the murder weapon. -Why is he doing that?
凶器就在这里 I have the murder weapon right here.
《暴政的恐怖地带》
你想说什么 弗里德里克 What are you getting at, Fredreich?
我们要停止对马格斯谋杀案旧事重提 We have to stop rehashing the Muggs murder case
而是要确保这样的事情再也不会发生 and start making sure that something like it never happens again.
根据我广泛的研究 在很多案例中 Now, in my extensive research, in case after case,
漫画书是大多数青少年犯罪 comic books are the influencing factor
和青少年暴力事件的重大影响因素 in most incidents of juvenile delinquency and teen violence.
先生们 它们是一种道德祸害 They are a moral scourge, gentlemen,
它们的创作者是堕落的罪犯 and their creators criminal degenerates.
这才是家长教师联谊会 应该谈论的话题 That's what the PTA should be talking about.
漫画书 而不是马格斯一家 Comic books, not the Muggs.
而且我相信 我知道如何实现这一点 And I believe I know exactly how to make that happen.
看看是谁啊 想进来随时就进来了 Well, look who strolls in whenever his heart desires.
-你有什么事 孩子 -我只是刚好在附近 -What do you want, kid? -I was just in the neighborhood.
-大家都去哪里了 -都吃坏肚子请假了 -Where is everyone? -All out with a stomach bug.
-我的处境比泰坦尼克号还遭 -我能帮忙吗 -I'm under more water than the Titanic. -Can I help?
-我需要一整期 -我没问题 -I need a full issue. -I can do that.
-明早之前写好 -没问题 菲尔斯顿先生 -Written by tomorrow morning. -No problem, Mr. Fieldstone.
我效率高 也很少出错 I'm fast, I'm a great speller.
四个故事 每篇七页 不能出任何差错 Four stories, seven pages each, zero margin for error.
我愿意免费写 如果你喜欢这些作品 那就太棒了 I'll write them on spec. If you like them, then great.
如果不行的话 我还有更多的想法 If not, there's plenty more where that came from.
好吧 All right.
如果你在点子方面遇到困难 If you have trouble coming up with some ideas,
拿着这些写作灵感 take these springboards.
和伯尼谈谈 Talk them through with Bernie.
我会的 我不会让你失望 I will. I won't let you down.
伯尼 Bernie!
邪教 火箭 拳击手 义警 收割器官
天啊 伯尼 这些故事都被写烂了 Gosh, Bernie, all these stories have been done to death.
-就没有些原创创意了吗 -年轻人说得容易 -Aren't there any original ideas anymore? -Says the teenager.
伯尼 你是个天才 Bernie, you're a genius.
那关于青少年和高中的故事呢 What about stories about teenagers and high school?
佩普漫画没画过这种的 对吗 Pep Comics doesn't have any of those, right?
阿尔说他对这些题材没有共鸣 但青少年的确会买我们的书 Uh...Al says he doesn't relate to them. But teenagers do buy our books.
岂有此理 我和我的朋友们会买 Well, shucks, me and my friends do.
那怪异食堂大妈的主视角故事呢 What about a narrator that's actually a witchy lunch lady?
或是令人毛骨悚然的清洁工 Or a creepy janitor?
我们可以叫它"恐怖教室" 如何 We can call it "Homeroom of Horrors." Huh?
-你觉得菲尔斯顿先生会喜欢吗 -当然 试试吧 -You think Mr. Fieldstone will bite? -Sure. Give it a whirl.
我饱受折磨的小天才在这里呢 There's my little tortured genius.
你能不能暂停一下 对下一部伟大美国小说的撰写 Think you could take a break from writing the next great American novel
带这位美女去看场有趣的电影 and take this glamor-gal to go see a fun flick?
《恶魔》正在巴比伦乐园上映 我知道你不介意看字幕 Diabolique is playing at the Babylonium, and I know you don't mind subtitles.
我们能明天去吗 我赶着截稿 Ooh. Could we go tomorrow maybe? I'm on deadline.
阿尔让我在早上之前写完一整期 Al has asked me to write an entire issue by morning.
一整期 An entire issue?
听起来像是你接管了全局 Sounds like a bit of a coup for you.
是的 但压力也很大 Yeah, it is. But it's also a lot of pressure.
但如果我今晚写出的这几页很不错 Though if I do a bang-up job on these pages tonight,
菲尔斯顿就可能让我做他的专用写手 Fieldstone could ask me to be one of his go-to's.
好吧 我那部讲述凶残学校老师的 法国惊悚电影可以随后再看 Okay. Okay, my French thriller about murderous school teachers can wait.
但既然我来了 也许我能帮你 But since I'm here, maybe I can help you.
-你写到哪里了 -我第一个故事就快写完了 -How far have you gotten? -I'm almost done with my first story.
我洗耳恭听 讲的是什么 I'm all ears. What's it about?
体育主题 因为还有什么 比体育课更可怕呢 Sports-themed. Because what's scarier than gym class?
里面有个旁白角色 和我之前编的故事一样 And it has a narrator, like all of my yell­ yarns will.
叫做钥匙保管员 Um, called the Key-Keeper.
我请佩普漫画的一位画家画了个草图 I had one of the artists at Pep Comics do a mock-up.
-很厉害吧 -超级厉害 -It's pretty nifty, right? -The niftiest.
看着就很招人喜欢 Looks like a real charmer.
瞧瞧 Well, well, well.
会不会又是一个问题孩子 If it isn't another problem child.
你想搞些恶作剧和骚乱 是不是 You're looking for a little mischief and mayhem, aren't you?
也许我能帮上忙 Well, maybe I can be of some assistance.
你看 我是钥匙保管人 I'm the Key-Keeper, you see.
这座恐怖校舍的午夜管理员 The midnight custodian of this schoolhouse of horrors.
跟我来 我们用个超级恐怖的故事 唤醒死人 如何 Come along and let's wake the dead with a real spine-twister, shall we?
我把这个丑恶的小故事 叫做《专注于比赛》 I call this sordid little tale "Keep Your Head in the Game."
《专注于比赛》
每支球队都有一个小矮子 笨手笨脚的弱鸡 Every team has one. The runt, the klutz, the pipsqueak.
斗牛犬队篮球队的那个小矮子 是道尔顿多利 On the Bulldogs basketball team, that half-pint was Dilton Doiley,
他个子矮小 近视而且动作不协调 who was short, near-sighted, and uncoordinated.
在一次特别艰苦的训练结束时 At the end of one particularly grueling practice,
克利茨教练让球队排好队练习罚球 Coach Kleats had the team line up for free throws.
必须所有人都投进后 大家才能离开 No one could leave until everyone had made a basket.
但道尔顿怎么都投不进 自己的救命一球 But Dilton couldn't make a shot to save his life.
拜托 多利 专注于比赛 Come on, Doiley, get your head in the game.
也许你需要一点动力 Maybe you need a little motivation.
克利茨教练让其他球员开始跑圈 Coach Kleats had the other players start running laps
道尔顿投进一个球后才能停下来 until Dilton sunk one lousy bucket.
你死定了 多利 You're a dead man, Doiley.
可怜的道尔顿 Poor Dilton.
他很快就会知道犯规一词的真正含义 He would soon learn the true meaning of the term "foul play."
你到底有什么毛病 多利 What the hell is wrong with you, Doiley?
对不起 伙计们 I...I'm sorry, fellas.
我尽力了 I'm trying my best.
如果你连一个球都投不进 那你来这里干什么 Why are you even here if you can't make one stinking basket?
我只是想成为球队的一分子 I just wanted to be part of a team.
那就去当送水工啊 Then be the damn water boy.
就像克利茨教练说的 Hmm. It's like what Coach Kleats said...
你必须专注于比赛 you gotta get your head in the game.
我该怎么做 How...? How do I do that?
也许在储物柜里呆一晚上 能帮你找到答案 Maybe a night stuffed in a locker will help you figure it out.
什么 不 伙计们 求你们了 别这样 What? No, guys! Guys! Guys, please! Please, don't do it.
不 求你们了 你们不明白 住手 我不能 No, please. Please, please. You don't understand. Stop! I can't...
-别把我留在这里 -也许不该这么做 -Don't leave me here! -Hey, maybe this isn't such a good idea.
闭嘴 安德鲁斯 Stuff it, Andrews
我不能一个人待在这里 求你们了 I can't be here alone. Please.
-多利需要学习一下 -我不能 -Doiley's gotta learn. -I can't...
他必须开始尽自己的本分 He's gonna start pulling his weight...
否则我们会杀了他 or we're gonna murder him.
不 别走 No, don't go!
求你们了 别走 Please! Please, don't go!
别把我留在这里 我做不到 不 求你们了 Don't leave me here! I can't do this! No! No! Please!
这些残忍的运动员不知道的是 What these merciless jocks didn't know
道尔顿多利生来就有 严重的幽闭恐惧症 was that Dilton Doiley was born morbidly claustrophobic.
第二天早上
所以当日班人员第二天早上 发现并将道尔顿 So by the time the day shift found
从他那发霉的棺材中释放出来时 and released Dilton the next morning,
道尔顿已经完全精神崩溃了 Dilton had suffered a complete psychotic break.
他完全变了个人 He was a changed man.
你可以说是个疯子 A mad man, you might say.
一心要向斗牛犬队复仇 Hell-bent on revenge against the Bulldogs.
然后就是等待他的队友们 在那天下午晚些时候 Then it was just a matter of lying in wait for his teammates to reconvene
重新集合进行篮球训练 for basketball practice later that afternoon.
幸运的是 道尔顿有个可从中跳出来 Luckily, Dilton had the perfect hidey-hole from which to pop out
给队友带来惊喜的完美藏身地 and surprise his teammates.
在这之后 道尔顿就可以全神贯注 完善他的罚球技巧 After which, Dilton could dedicate himself to perfecting his free-throw technique.
第二天
我得专注于比赛 Gotta keep my head in the game.
-我得专注于比赛 -好孩子 多利 -Gotta keep my head in the game. -Attaboy, Doiley.
救命 来人救命啊 他杀了整个球队的人 Gotta keep my head in the game.
我得专注于比赛 Gotta keep my head in the game.
道尔顿干得漂亮 那些可恶的恶霸罪有应得 Good for Dilton. Those awful bullies got what was coming to them.
没错 沃瑟斯那种笨蛋 就是不明白这一点 Exactly. And you see, that's what nitwits like Werthers just don't understand.
不懂什么 What exactly?
这些所谓的"堕落漫画" 其实只是小打小闹的道德故事 These so-called "degenerate comics" are actually bite-sized morality tales.
特别是那个朱利安布罗森 被砍头的故事 Especially those that involve Julian Blossom getting his head chopped off.
我是说 你在开玩笑 但又很严肃 I mean, you joke, but it's true.
是的 漫画有时候很夸张 很血腥 Yes, comics can be over-the-top and bloody sometimes,
但在这些故事里 违反规则的人会受到惩罚 but in these stories, people that break the rules get punished.
对别人残忍的人会受到惩罚 People who are cruel to others get punished.
淫乱性交的人会受到惩罚 People who have lustful sex get punished.
淫乱性交 Lustful sex, did you say?
贾格金大师 再多给我讲讲 Tell me more about that, Juggiekins.
我给你讲个故事 不管你是否相信 故事始于 I've got a tale for you. And it starts, believe it or not,
一个漆黑的暴风雨夜 on a dark and stormy night.
有人在一栋孤立的大宅附近爆了胎 With a flat tire near an isolated mansion,
《恐怖 爱你至深》
一位身材魁梧的年轻男子需要帮助 and a young, strapping man in need of assistance.
是谁 你有什么事吗 Yes? May I help you?
很抱歉这么晚打扰你 我的改装车爆胎了 I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, ma'am, but my hot rod got a flat tire.
-一定是碾到钉子或是什么了 -那真是令人讨厌 -Must have ran over a nail or something. -Oh, how dreadful.
现在你走投无路了 可怜的孩子 And now, here you are stranded, you poor dear.
不如你进来吧 Why don't you come inside?
你可以用我们的电话打给修车厂 You can use our telephone to call a garage.
在这个时候 修车厂已经关门了 夫人 At this hour? Oh, they'll be closed, ma'am.
如果我留下来过夜 会不会麻烦到你 Would it be too much trouble if I stayed the night?
这样的话 明早我就可以打给修车厂 然后就不麻烦你了 That way, in the morning, I can call the garage and I'll be out of your hair.
我想可以 I suppose.
但是 恐怕暴风雨切断了我们的电力 But I'm afraid the storm has knocked out our power,
但你可以烤火取暖 but you can warm yourself by the fire.
请进 进来吧 Well, come in. Come in.
你看起来吓坏了 Oh, you look a fright.
常言道 一张照片胜过千言万语 They say a picture is worth a thousand words,
但我形容这张照片 只需要两个字"极好" but I only need two for this one: "Hubba, hubba."
谢谢你的茶 夫人 我 Thank you for the tea, ma'am, it's...
我已经感觉好多了 I already feel better.
这世界上没有什么事情是一杯浓茶 There's not much in this world that a strong cup of tea
和一炉熊熊烈火解决不了的 and a roaring fire can't fix.
你今晚可以住我的客房 And you're welcome to stay in my guest room tonight.
谢谢 夫人 你人真好 Thank you, ma'am. That's very kind of you.
但有些基本规则你必须遵守 However, there are one or two ground rules you must observe.
没问题 什么规则都可以 Of course. Of course. Anything.
一旦进入房间 你就必须整晚待在里面 Once you are in your room, you must stay there all night.
你必须锁上门 并且整晚都锁着 And you must lock the door and keep it locked for the entire night.
有什么特别的原因吗 Any particular reason why?
当然有了 不只是我住在这里 Alas, yes. I'm not alone in this house.
我孙女跟我住在一起 但她精神不太正常 My granddaughter lives with me, and she's not quite in her right mind.
她对身体上的亲密接触 有种难以抑制的渴望 She has this compulsive craving for intimate physical,
有些人甚至认为这种接触不恰当 some might even say inappropriate touching.
-真的吗 -是的 -Really? -Oh, yes.
她极度渴望 She's ravenous for it.
管不住自己的手 Can't keep her hands to herself.
哇 那真是 Wow, that's...
我是说 那听起来 哇哦 I mean, that sounds...Wow.
她甚至会在半夜溜进 She's even been known to sneak into the bedrooms of strange young men
陌生年轻男子的卧室 in the middle of the night
这么说吧 好满足一下自己的嗜好 in order to get her fix, as it were.
那是 Is...
你孙女吗 that your granddaughter?
是的 她很漂亮 对吧 Yes, it is. She's beautiful, isn't she?
时候不早了 我先帮你安顿下来 好吗 Well, it's getting late. Let's get you settled, shall we?
有些规则是注定要被打破的 Surely some rules were meant to be broken.
尤其是当后果有可能令人情欲勃发时 Especially when the consequences might prove to be downright titillating.
当晚晚些时候
你在这里 You're here.
你来了 You came.
-你是老太太的孙女吗 -是的 我是雪柔 -Are you the old lady's granddaughter? -Yes, I'm Cheryl.
我很高兴你来了 I'm so glad you're here.
我好久没有这样 抚摸过身体了 It's been so long since I've gotten to touch... like this.
我也很开心能来到这里 I sure am happy to be here too.
-我点根蜡烛 -不行 -Let me just light a candle. -No. No.
不行 No.
我们要做的事 最好在黑暗中做 What we're about to do is best done in darkness.
吻我吧 Now kiss me.
让我感受你 And let me feel you.
转过头去 变态 然后翻到下一页 Avert your eyes, pervert, and turn the page...
第二天早晨
迎来崭新的一天 to a bright new day.
你昨晚过得怎么样 年轻人 How was your night, young man?
睡得好吗 Did you sleep well?
棒极了 It was incredible.
谢谢你的款待 Thank you again for the hospitality.
我 应该是看到你孙女了 I, uh... I saw your granddaughter, I think.
在窗边 By the window.
她怎么了 有某种精神疾病吗 So, what's wrong with her? Some kind of mental illness?
雪柔也曾像同龄女孩一样年轻有活力 Oh, Cheryl was once youthful and vibrant like any young girl her age.
但她想要冒险 我忍不住纵容了她 But she wanted adventure, and I couldn't help but indulge her.
她去了遥远的热带丛林旅行 She took a trip to some tropical jungle in some far-off place,
不幸的是 她在那里的时候 and unfortunately, while she was there,
感染了罕见的麻风病 she contracted a rare form of leprosy.
麻风病 Leprosy?
一种可怕的 严重的毁容病 Horrible, terrible, disfiguring disease.
她肿胀的肉体都烂掉了 非常痛苦 Rotting her swollen flesh away, and incredibly painful.
她不能接触其他人 因为很容易传染给别人 Now she can't be around other people because it's so very contagious, you know.
但是 你没有 But...I mean, you don't...
对 我小时候感染过 Oh, no. I was exposed as a child
所以我对这个病免疫 and so I'm immune.
你应该没有 I don't suppose you...
免疫过 没有 Am immune? No.
幸好她很快就会死于麻风病 Mercifully, she'll soon succumb to the leprosy and die.
所以我尽我所能 Which is why I do everything in my power to ensure
确保她在世上的最后时光舒适享受 that she relishes her final days on Earth.
什么 你这是什么意思 Wait, what do you mean by that?
年轻人 你来到这里并不是个意外 It was no accident that brought you here, young man.
你觉得那些钉子 是怎么出现在那条路上的 How do you think those nails got on to that road?
我警告过你 I did warn you.
我给过你机会把门锁好 做个乖孩子 I gave you a chance to lock that door and be a good boy.
现在你几乎肯定也被感染了 And now you're almost certainly infected as well.
昨晚之后 我们会在一起 After last night, we're going to be together,
永远在一起 forever and ever.
直到死亡将我们分开 'Til death do us part.
这太荒诞了 Well, that was grotesque.
道德寓意是什么 What was the moral there?
不要相信怪异的老太太 Don't trust creepy old ladies
和她麻风病缠身 嗜性成瘾的孙女 and their nymphomaniac, leprosy-ridden granddaughters?
更接近"好奇害死猫" Well, it's more of a "curiosity killed the cat" message,
我觉得是这样 I think.
或者如果没有适当的保护 不要在黑暗中 Or, don't engage in heavy petting in the dark with someone
和别人进行身体上的亲密抚摸 if you haven't got proper protection.
我听说阿奇和雪柔分手了 You know, I'm hearing that Archie and Cheryl broke up.
而且他们就只是接吻而已 And that, in the end, they didn't do much more than neck.
是吗 谁能跟上河谷镇高中 那些好色青少年们的节奏 Oh, yeah? Well, who can keep up with all the horny teens at Riverdale High?
不然还能做什么事 I mean, what else is there to do?
所以上帝才创造了高中 It's why God created high school.
就是为了让男孩 有个可以追女孩的地方 反之亦然 So there'd be a place where boys could chase girls and vice versa.
是啊 Yeah.
女孩为了吸引男孩的注意 什么事都敢做 I mean, girls will do just about anything to get a boy's attention.
显然 也包括假装对漫画感兴趣 Including feigning an interest in comic books, apparently.
《蜂巢》
每所学校 都有一个 Every school has one.
留着马尾辫的平凡姑娘 The plain Jane with the ponytail mane.
穿着毛衣套装 等待着还未出现的美好未来 The sweater-set waiting for better-yet,
但似乎并没有吸引到 任何一个男孩的目光 whom none of the boys seem to sic their sights on.
乏味贝蒂只是比隐形人稍有存在感 Bland Betty was little more than an invisible girl.
没错 我邪恶的朋友 贝蒂能找到约会对象的前景非常渺茫 Yes, my foul fiends, Betty's prospects of landing a date were very grave, indeed.
所以她听从了 她最喜欢的美容杂志的建议 So she followed the advice of her favorite beauty mags.
我要如何帮你 亲爱的 And, now, how can I help you, hon?
我想换个新造型 I would like a new look, please.
娃娃脸 是什么让你闷闷不乐 Oh. What's giving you the gringles, dollface?
我只是觉得 I just feel so...
自己太不起眼了 unseen.
我学校的女生都有男朋友 我就像 All the girls at my school have beaus, and it's just like I'm a...
一个幽灵 ghost.
我需要换个新造型 I need something else, something new.
能吸引所有男生注意的漂亮造型 Something amazing that will get all the boys' attention.
我得告诉你 绑马尾对你没好处 Well, I gotta tell you, this ponytail, it's doing you no favors.
但我刚从国外度完我超棒的蜜月回来 But, but, but, I just came back from my fabulous honeymoon abroad,
欧洲正在流行一种新发型 and there's this new hairstyle that is all the rage in Europe.
真的吗 是什么 Really? What is it?
它叫"蜂巢" It's called "The Beehive."
这就是你的全新蜂巢
蜂巢 Beehive?
听起来很精致复杂 Sounds sophisticated.
没错 Oh, it is.
我把你的头发梳起来 接长一些 So we tease up all your hair, put in some extensions,
然后卷成圆顶 and then roll it all up into a dome.
就像蜂巢一样 Just like a hive.
跟"蜂巢"完全一样吗 A "hive" hive?
我知道 这听起来很傻 但等你看到结果就知道了 I know it sounds silly, but wait till you see it.
英国和法国的女孩爱死这个发型了 All the girls in England and France, they just love it.
男孩也为它疯狂 And the boys, they're crazy about it.
我以死去母亲的名义起誓 愿她安息 And, on my mother's grave, may she rest in peace,
你会得到你想要的一切关注 甚至更多 you're gonna get all the attention you've ever wanted and then some.
豁出去了 如果巴黎人觉得行 What the heck, if it's good enough for the Parisians,
那我也行 it's good enough for me.
聪明的女孩 Oh, smart girl.
你会看起来时髦洋气 You're gonna look so chic.
现在只有一个问题 Now, there's just one thing.
一旦我们把你的金发卷成蜂巢 Once we get your goldilocks up into the hive,
你就再也不能洗头或解开头发了 you're not gonna be able to wash your hair or undo it ever.
那我怎么进行日常清理维护呢 Oh, well, how do I maintain it?
用这款发胶 With this hairspray.
根据需要可全天使用 Use throughout the day as needed.
持久定妆水漾套装
我妈妈说我应该两天洗一次头 Oh, well, my mom says I'm supposed to wash my hair every other day
或者至少一周洗一次 or at least once a week.
无意冒犯你亲爱的妈妈 但我是专业人士 With all due respect to your dear mama, I'm the professional.
你也想看起来漂亮点 对吧 And you do wanna look beautiful, am I right?
第二天 全新的贝蒂出现在学校 The next day, an all-new Betty showed up at school.
她厚重发型的高度堪比巴别塔 Her coif climbed to such heights, it rivaled the Tower of Babel.
因为这个原因 所有人都对此议论纷纷 And similarly, it got everybody talking.
所有男生都在哇哇大叫 All the boys went "goo-goo-gaga."
至于女生们 她们的醋坛子都打翻了 And as for the girls, well, they were positively gangrene with envy.
贝蒂 喷的时候看着点 Watch where you're spraying, Betty.
你知道这个可笑的发型 You know that ridiculous hairstyle
永远不会改变 你骨子里就是个马尾公主的事实吗 will never change the fact you'll always be a ponytail princess on the inside?
贝蒂才不在乎雪柔和维罗妮卡怎么想 Betty didn't care what Cheryl and Veronica thought.
事实上 那是她们第一次和她说话 In fact, that was the first time they'd spoken to her.
贝蒂得到突如其来的关注后 And once Betty got that blush of attention,
她开始对此产生渴求 以此为食 well, she started needing it, feeding off it.
她往头发上喷的发胶越多 The more hairspray she put in her hair,
发型就会越加厚重显眼 the heavier and more shellacked it became,
男生们就更会注意到她 and the more the boys noticed her.
我能帮你拿书去教室吗 贝蒂 Can I carry your books to class, Betty?
天啊 谢谢 朱利安 Aw, gee, thanks, Julian.
嘿 贝蒂 这周五晚上我能约你出去吗 Hey, uh, Betty. Can I take you out this Friday night, please?
阿奇 我会考虑一下 Archie. I'll think about it.
贝蒂遵守了她的诺言 And Betty stayed true to her word.
她从来不洗头或解开头发 She didn't wash her hair or undo it, ever.
她甚至顶着蜂巢发型入睡 She even slept in her beehive,
晚上往头发上喷更多的发胶 再钻进被窝里 putting more hairspray on before tucking herself in at night.
就在那时 发生了一件极其糟糕的事情 And that's when the very bad thing happened.
老爹的店
一周后
我发誓 这么多年来 我从没见过这么可爱的一对 I swear, in all my years, I've never seen a cuter couple.
她现在是个酷妞了 是不是 老爹 She's a cool cookie now, isn't she, Pop?
"现在"是什么意思 What do you mean "now"?
贝蒂一直很水灵 Betty's always been a peach.
你让我脸红了 阿奇 You're making me blush, Archie.
嘿 我真是幸运 Hey, I'm a lucky cat.
我正在和河谷镇高中最性感 I'm going out with the ginchiest girl
头发最漂亮的女孩约会 with the ginchiest hair at Riverdale High.
有史以来最棒的歌 来吧 朋友 我们去跳舞 Best song ever. Come on, snake, let's rattle.
好的 Okay.
贝蒂 你没事吧 Betty, is everything all right?
天啊 贝蒂 Whoa, Betty.
有什么不对 Something's not...
贝蒂 贝蒂 Betty? Betty!
贝蒂 Betty.
快去找人帮忙 Someone get some help.
贝蒂有些身体不适 Betty's having some kind of fit.
快给医院打电话 Someone call the hospital!
天啊 贝蒂 Oh, God, Betty.
没人能猜到像贝蒂这样 No one could guess how a young girl like Betty,
充满活力的年轻女孩 为什么会突然死去 so full of life, would just drop dead.
不过镇上的验尸官也许知道原因 Then again, maybe the town's coroner will have the answers.
这么年轻 So young.
如此美丽 So beautiful.
多么迷人的发型 And what a fascinating hairstyle.
天啊 Oh, my.
这是什么 What have we here?
不 拜托 不要 No. No! Please, no.
不要 除了蜘蛛 什么都行 No. Anything but spiders!
原来贝蒂的头发吸引的不只是男孩 Turns out, Betty's hair attracted more than just boys.
那晚 一只黑寡妇爬进了她的秀发 A black widow spider had crawled into her tresses that night
在她毛茸茸的蜂巢里产了一批卵 and laid a batch of eggs in that ginchy hive of hers.
当那些小蜘蛛孵化出来时 And when those itsy-bitsy spiders hatched,
它们一路吃进了她的大脑 they chewed into her brain,
引发了贝蒂在餐馆的致命发病 which is what triggered Betty's deadly diner bug-out.
可怜的小贝蒂 Poor, sweet Betty.
她只能以如此惨痛的方式 学到这个教训 She had to learn her lessons the hard way.
美丽是浅薄的 虚荣心害死人 Beauty is only skin deep, and vanity kills.
"美丽是浅薄的" "Beauty is only skin deep"?
"虚荣心害死人" "Vanity kills"?
这是两种不同的教训 Are these actually different lessons,
还是同一个主题的延伸 or variations on a theme?
还有 想好看有什么错吗 And what's wrong with wanting to look good?
男孩子也会做这种事 Boys do the same thing.
他们把重物举来举去 把自己练成肌肉男 They toss weights around to turn themselves into he-men.
不管怎样 我数着呢 你还差最后一个故事了 At any rate, by my count, you're down to your last story
而且我还没在故事里饰演过主角呢 and I still haven't had a starring role in one.
也是 提醒我了 Well, say, that's a notion.
讲点浪漫的故事也不错 Something romantic would be nice.
或者主要讲述女性友谊的故事 Or something that focuses on female friendship.
是的 如果我们给经典的 青少年三角恋故事反转一下呢 Yeah. What if we did a flip of the classic teenage love triangle?
女孩子们不会自相残杀 竞雌的那种 One in which the girls don't go at each other's throats and catfight.
我们想一块去了 Now you're singing my tune.
隆重介绍 我今晚最后一个故事 Presenting, my fourth and final story of the evening.
我称为《我的另一半》的恐怖故事 A terror-tale I'm calling "My Better Half."
《我的另一半》
阿奇是个好孩子 Archie's a good egg,
但在做决定时是个傻瓜 but a half-wit when it comes to decision-making.
几何学测验
他在所有多项选择题中 最基本的问题上苦苦挣扎 He struggles with the most basic of all multiple-choice questions.
他应该选择A 那个邻家女孩 Should he go for A, the girl next door?
还是B 那个富家名媛 Or, B, the rich starlet-socialite?
但他一时被猪油蒙心 But, in a rare stroke of mad genius,
阿奇选择了C 两者都要 Archie chose C, both of the above.
所以每周一 三 五 So on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays,
阿奇约贝蒂出去 Archie takes Betty out.
周二 周四 周六 And on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays,
他会约维罗妮卡出去 he takes out Veronica.
这个繁忙日程的缺点之一 The one downside to this break-neck schedule
是阿奇有时候会因为过度疲劳而倒下 was that Archie would, on occasion, collapse from sheer exhaustion.
但没有什么问题 But it was nothing that couldn't be rectified
是一杯浓咖啡解决不了的 with a strong cup of coffee.
或者四杯 Or four.
但即使对强壮的年轻男人来说 But even for a strapping young buck,
一周约会六次也会让人精疲力尽 six dates a week will wear a fella out.
所以阿奇才会把周日留给自己 That's why Archie saved Sundays for himself.
休息 恢复 为接下来的一周补充能量 To rest, recover, and replenish for the week ahead.
你可能以为 阿奇会试图隐藏自己的恋情 Now, you might think Archie would try to keep his relationships a secret,
但他没有 but he didn't.
贝蒂和维罗妮卡知道 他在和另一个女孩约会 Betty and Veronica knew he was dating the other.
但她们俩都想独占阿奇 Still, each girl wanted Archie all to herself.
明晚巴比伦乐园放映《双重赔偿》 They're playing Double Indemnity at the Babylonium tomorrow night,
如果你想在后排亲热一下的话 if you want to play a little back-row bingo.
我也想去 但我有安排了 Oh, I wish I could swing it, but I got plans.
意思是你和维罗妮卡有约 Meaning, you've got a date with Veronica.
你什么时候才会放弃那个 脑袋空空如也的花瓶 When are you gonna drop that vapid airhead?
拜托 别因为这事闹 Oh, please, don't get razzled.
我为什么不该闹 Why shouldn't I?
我得跟那个臭男人婆分享我的情郎 Having to share my beau with that smelly tomboy.
我不能让你开心吗 Don't I make you happy?
当然能了 Of course you do.
那为什么有我一个还不够 Then why aren't I enough?
拜托 不是那样的 Oh, come on. It's not like that.
嘿 你们两人是那么不一样 Hey, you guys are both so different.
但我告诉你一个秘密 But let me let you in on a little secret.
我最喜欢你了 You're my favorite.
-真的吗 -真的吗 -Really? -Really?
阿奇 Oh, Archie.
你是怎么做到的 安德鲁斯 How do you do it, Andrews?
同时拥有两个女人 你的秘诀是什么 Two broads at the same time. What's your secret?
听好 因为我只说一次 好吗 All right, listen, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once, okay?
你说她们想听的话 You tell them what they wanna hear.
是的 我在和其他女孩约会 但是 That, yes, I'm seeing other girls, but...
我只对你认真 I'm only serious about you.
你对她们说这三个简单的字 You feed them the same three simple words.
"你是我的最爱" "You're my favorite."
准确地说 那是六个字 Technically, that's four words,
"你是"是缩写 "You're" is a contraction.
"你是我的最爱" "You are my favorite."
-六个词 -闭嘴 多利 -Four words. -Shut up, Doiley.
我们在向唐璜学习 We're learning from Don Juan here.
但你有时不会觉得 But don't you ever get...
筋疲力尽吗 exhausted?
当然 所以上帝才发明了周日和咖啡 Sure, but that's why God invented Sundays, and coffee.
一切都可能进展顺利 直到毕业的那一天 Things might've kept humming along as-is until graduation day,
但阿奇这艘大船正在驶向冰山 but the Good Ship Archie was headed for an iceberg.
今年的情人节 Valentine's Day,
灾难般的是个周日 which, this year, disastrously, landed on a Sunday.
维罗妮卡 哪个幸运的家伙 约你过情人节 So, Veronica, who's the lucky guy taking you out for Valentine's Day?
当然是阿奇金斯 Archiekins, of course.
继续做梦吧 阿奇是我的约会对象 Keep dreaming. Archie is my date.
贝蒂 作为一个聪明的女孩 你真的很笨 You know, Betty, for a smart girl, you really are dense.
阿奇要和他最好的女孩一起过情人节 Archie is gonna spend V-Day with his best girl.
那就是我 And that's me.
-那是你说的 -他说的 -Says you. -Says him.
阿奇金斯说他和你在一起的唯一原因 Archiekins says the only reason he spends time with you
是因为他可怜你 is because you're a charity case.
首先 他讨厌别人叫他"阿奇金斯" First of all, he hates being called "Archiekins."
其次 他会花时间陪你的唯一原因 Second of all, the only reason he spends any time with you at all
是因为你的自尊太脆弱了 is because your ego is so fragile,
他担心如果他跟你分手 你会做出什么 he's afraid you might do something desperate or crazy
绝望或疯狂的事 if he breaks up with you.
他说我很脆弱 He said I'm fragile?
就像个珠宝蛋一样 Aw, as a Glamourge Egg.
他说你总是紧绷绷的 Well, he told me you're so high-strung,
有时为了入睡 你会吃你妈妈的安眠药 you sometimes take your mom's sleeping pills to go to bed.
他告诉你的 He told you that?
看来有人把你俩耍得团团转 Sounds like someone's been playing you two for fools.
-那个卑鄙小人 -那个卑鄙小人 That rat fink.
阿奇 你必须马上选择 Archie, you have to choose right now.
谁会在情人节和你约会 Who's gonna be your date for Valentine's Day?
当然 在你选了我之后 And after you pick me, of course,
你需要和贝蒂分手 彻底分手 you need to end things with Betty, permanently.
女士们 我们都冷静一下 Ladies, ladies. Let's all calm down.
事实上 In fact...
你们两个都不能 做我情人节的约会对象 neither of you can be my date on Valentine's Day.
-为什么 -为什么 -Why not? -Why not?
因为我要选择我妈妈 'Cause I'm taking my mom.
对她来说 这是我爸爸不在的 第一个情人节 You see, it's her first Valentine's Day without my dad, and...
所以她需要我 And, well, she needs me.
希望你们能理解 I hope you guys can understand.
阿奇 我们当然理解 Archie, of course we understand.
你真是贴心又体贴 That's so sweet and thoughtful.
抱歉 我们给你压力了 I'm sorry we pressured you.
我也是 这是她的主意 Me too. It was her idea.
你们不应该因为我 Well, you guys shouldn't have to miss out on Valentine's Day
而错过情人节 on account of me.
你们一定还有其他男生可以约一下 There must be some other guys you can go out with.
是啊 贝蒂 找别人吧 Yeah, Betty. Find somebody else.
不 No.
不 真的没关系 No, it's really okay.
我一直在拖延 一份能获得额外学分的报告 所以 There's an extra-credit report that I've been putting off, so...
至于我 《法国小姐》杂志上 发布了一款蛋白面膜的配方 As for me, Mademoiselle published a recipe for an egg-white face mask
我一直很想试试 所以我会很忙 I've been dying to try, so that'll keep me busy.
好 所以你俩这周日晚上 都要待在家里了 Okay, so you're both staying in this Sunday night, then?
但周日晚上一到 But when Sunday night rolled around,
贝蒂和维罗妮卡决定不留在家里 Betty and Veronica decided against staying in
而是一起过情人节 and went on a Valentine's date together.
想象一下 她们看到走进门的人 是谁后有多么惊讶 但 So imagine their surprise when who should walk in, but...
他怎么会这样 He wouldn't.
他不能这样 He couldn't.
-那个卑鄙小人 -那个卑鄙小人 -That rat fink. -That rat fink.
等等 Wait.
不管你要做什么 Whatever you're about to do...
我有个更好的主意 I have a much better idea.
贝蒂 Betty.
维罗妮卡 Veronica.
怎么了 What's going on?
我们在想 你和你妈妈的情人节约会怎么样 We were wondering how your Valentine's date went with your mom.
是啊 挺好的 Yeah. It was nice.
很安静 Quiet.
为什么这么问 Why?
因为那晚的休息 让我们有机会思考了一下 Well, because a night off gave us a chance to reflect,
而且既然你如此难以在我们俩之间 and since you've been having such a hard time
做出选择 deciding between the two of us,
我们就想 we were thinking...
如果你能拥有我们两个呢 What If you had us both?
坐享齐人之福 At the exact same time?
来一场非常特别的约会 For a very, very special date.
真的吗 Really?
-真的 -真的 -Really. -Really.
不用说了 Say no more.
我今晚来接你们两个 I'll pick you both up tonight.
我们去情人巷 我知道一个完美的地方 舒服又私密 We'll head over to Lovers' Lane. I know the perfect spot. Nice and private.
实际上 贝蒂有个有趣的主意 Actually, Betty had an interesting idea.
我在想 我们可以在手工教室见面 I was thinking we could meet in shop class.
当然是放学后 After hours, of course.
为什么要去那里 Why would we go there?
你不知道吗 Don't you know?
那里是隔音的 It's soundproof.
我们打算制造很多噪音 And we plan on making a lot of noise.
当晚晚些时候
-来吧 阿奇 加入我们 -来吧 阿奇 加入我们 -Come, Archie. Join us. -Come, Archie. Join us.
等等 Wait.
你忘了一件事 You're forgetting something.
你的咖啡 Your coffee.
我们自作主张 今晚为你泡了特浓咖啡 We took the liberty of brewing it extra strong for you tonight.
两位 我觉得我今晚不需要提神 Guys, I really don't think I'm gonna need a boost tonight.
好了 不用装了 Now, now, no need to posture.
我们今晚的计划需要你用尽全力 You'll want all your energy for what we have planned.
我保证 Promise.
我们庄严起誓 Cross our hearts and hope to die.
阿奇金斯 你没事吧 Everything all right, Archiekins?
是的 不 我很好 我只是 Yeah. No, I'm good. I just...
有人醒了 小薇 Someone's waking up, Vee.
我想你说得对 小贝 I think you're right, Bee.
欢迎回来 帅哥 Welcome back, handsome.
怎么回事 What's happening?
如果你头痛欲裂 我很抱歉 Apologies if you're experiencing a splitting headache.
我不确定该往你的咖啡里 偷偷加多少我妈妈的安眠药 I wasn't sure how many of my mom's sleeping pills to slip into your coffee.
不管怎么回事 我们肯定能想办法解决 Whatever it is, I'm sure we can figure it out.
但我们早就想好了 傻瓜 But it's already been figured out, silly.
相信我们 这是完美的解决办法 Trust us, this is a perfect solution.
毕竟分享是解决问题的前提 After all, a problem shared is a problem solved.
我们开始吧 小薇 Shall we, Vee?
你先来 小贝 After you, Bee.
等等 Wait, wait, wait. Wait!
等等 停下 Wait, hold on! Hold on!
停下来 Stop! Stop, stop, stop!
不会很痛的 This won't hurt... much.
-我们只是想乐趣加倍 -我们只是想乐趣加倍 We just wanna double our fun.
于是 贝蒂和维罗妮卡 Here, for the first time,
第一次在这里同享她们心爱的阿奇 Betty and Veronica are with their beloved Archie
同一晚 同一时间 on the same night, at the same time,
确信她们再也不必分享他了 secure in the knowledge that they'll never have to share him again.
我就说过他是个傻瓜吧 Didn't I tell you he was a half-wit?
怎么样 Well?
你觉得最后的组队反转情节怎么样 What did you think of the tag-team twist at the end?
羡慕死欧亨利了 我说得对吗 O. Henry, eat your heart out, am I right?
我有 I have...
几点意见 opinions.
好吧 Okey-dokey.
贾格赫德 我发现故事都有个套路 I'm detecting a pattern, Jughead.
你大部分故事中对性的主张都 The sexual politics in most of your stories are...
往轻了说 是令人不安 troubling, to say the least.
维罗妮卡 天啊 Veronica, gosh.
你可能在这件事上想多了 You may be overthinking this.
这些故事只是为了助兴 These stories are just meant to be a gas.
为了谁助兴 For whom?
肯定不是给少女们看的 因为你把她们描绘成 Not teen girls. Not when you're depicting them like...
肤浅疯狂的杀人犯 shallow, crazy killers.
你是这样看待我们的吗 Is that what you think of us?
不 当然不是 No. Of course not.
男孩们也不是什么好东西 The boys aren't great shakes, either.
所以你承认 你在妖魔化女性 So you admit you're demonizing women?
维罗妮卡 Veronica...
这只是一本漫画书 it's just a comic book.
不管怎样 Anyhoo...
我都写完了 I'm done now.
我们去巴比伦乐园 看最后一场《恶魔》吧 Why don't we catch that last showing of Diabolique at the Babylonium?
-怎么样 我请客 -我觉得 -What do you say? My treat. -I think...
我要吸取你上一个故事中的教训 I'll take a page from your last story...
赶快闪人 and split.
怎么了 我们之间 有不和谐的地方了吗 What's going on? Are we not copacetic anymore?
当然没有 Of course we are.
我只是累了 仅此而已 I'm just tired, is all.
明天我们学校见 我保证 I'll catch you at school tomorrow. Promise.
就这么简单 And, as easy as that,
我和维罗妮卡身处的泡沫刚刚破灭了 whatever soap bubble Veronica and I had been in just burst.
明天到学校后 事情将会有所不同 Tomorrow, at school, things would be different.
我们就不再是河谷镇高中的 玛丽莲梦露和亚瑟米勒了 We'd no longer be the Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller of Riverdale High.
我们会在走廊上擦肩而过 但她还是那个美丽的社交名媛 We'd pass each other in the hall, but she'd once again be the beautiful socialite
而我还是那个写漫画的书呆子 and I'd be the Melvin who writes comic books.
希望不会腐蚀到 美国年轻人的那种漫画 The kind that hopefully weren't corrupting the youth of America.
漫画书籍: 对无辜者的屠杀
"别被它们的名字骗了 这些出版物根本不是漫画 "Don't be fooled by their name. These publications are anything but comic.
它们的书页中 有对犯罪行为的美化 In their pages, crime is glorified.
对淫欲行为的颂扬 Acts of wanton carnality are celebrated.
刺杀和砍头 Stabbings, and beheadings,
外加开膛破肚都司空见惯 and disembowelings are commonplace,
被描绘得栩栩如生 vividly depicted,
这些内容像泡泡糖一样 提供给我们的孩子们 and offered up to our children like so much bubblegum.
如果有人怀疑 这种颠覆性媒介的阴险影响 And if anyone doubts the insidious effects of this subversive medium,
请容我再次强调 我的广泛研究已经一再证明的事情 let me stress what my extensive research has proven time and again.
漫画书中描写的可怕残暴行为 There is a direct and undeniable link
与阅读这些漫画书的青少年 between gruesome acts of brutality depicted in the pages of comic books
在现实生活中犯下的 类似野蛮行为之间 and similar acts of savagery committed in real life
存在直接且不可否认的联系 by the juveniles who read these comic books.
我们的孩子被暴力 Our children are being seduced.
被性 By violence.
被堕落行为 By sex.
引诱了 By depravity.
我们必须采取任何必要的方法 来保护他们的纯真" Their innocence must be preserved by any means necessary."
恭喜你 沃瑟斯博士 这是篇很棒的社论 I congratulate you, Dr. Werthers. That's a brilliant editorial.
很快就会被遗忘的马格斯谋杀案 The soon-to-be-forgotten Muggs murders,
和你今晚描绘的美国面临的威胁相比 small potatoes compared to the threat to America
简直是小巫见大巫 that you have outlined for us tonight.
谢谢 镇长先生 Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
我认为这是我的公民和道德义务 I consider it my civic and moral duty.
所以这些危险 That's why these so-called creators
和道德败坏故事的所谓创作者 of these dangerous and morally reprehensible stories
必须被追究责任 must be held accountable,
并在法律的最大范围内予以惩罚 and punished to the full extent of the law.
我一直在读你的故事 琼斯 I've been reading your stories, Jones,
不得不说 我很喜欢这些文章 真的非常棒 and I gotta say, I love them. This is incredible stuff.
谢谢你 菲尔斯顿先生 我 Thank you, Mr. Fieldstone. I, um...
-我今天需要做到最好 -为什么 -I needed a win today. -How come?
让我猜猜 女生问题 Ah. Let me guess. Girl trouble?
对 Yeah.
我 I...
我本来和一个女生挺亲密的 had this sweet thing going with this one gal,
但后来她看了我的漫画 然后 but then she read my comics, and then...
她就误会了 我觉得她不喜欢我的文章 Well, she took it the wrong way. I don't think she liked what I was saying.
我都不知道你在说什么 I don't even know what that means.
但你废寝忘食 才在一夜之间写出那些故事 But you busted your ass to turn those stories around overnight.
我认为你应该得到额外的奖励 And I think you deserve a little something extra for that.
-奖金 -天啊 不是 -A bonus? -Oh, God, no.
你疯了吗 What, are you nuts?
不 我说的是署名权 No, I'm thinking credit.
-你的名字 -印在封面上 -Your name...-On the cover?
天啊 不 是文章署名 God, no. A byline.
在内页 但仍然是署名 On the inside, but still.
印的是我的名字 It's my name in print.
天啊 那就太棒了 菲尔斯顿先生 Oh, golly, that would be incredible, Mr. Fieldstone.
我的朋友们会疯掉的 My friends would flip.
署名用"贾格赫德'扼喉'琼斯" 怎么样 How does Jughead "Jugular" Jones sound for a byline?
-最合适不过了 -好 -I'm crazy for it. -Yeah.
听我说 孩子 Now, you listen to me, kid.
我知道的不多 但我确实知道这件事 I don't know much, but do I know this.
女孩们来了又走 但你的名字上了报刊 Girls come and go, but your name in print?
这是一件会让人们刮目相看的事情 That's a thing that'll make people sit up and take notice.
我们俩都没有想到 Little did any of us imagine
菲尔斯顿先生的话多么具有预见性 how prophetic Mr. Fieldstone's words would turn out to be.